Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
