you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
