I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
