i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
