she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
