Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize