I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
