I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize