He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
