i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
