I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
