That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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