I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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