If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize