I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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