You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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