She is in my trunk
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
