I accidentally had phone sex last night
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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