Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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