Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
