This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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