So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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