i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
