he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
