i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
