oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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