this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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