if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
