I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
