I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're a waste of cheezeits
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
