i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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