I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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