He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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