If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
