Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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