At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
