Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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