the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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