everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
