Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
