Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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