He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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