If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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