I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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