I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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