There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
