Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
