WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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