I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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