apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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