i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
