At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize