I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Randomize
