There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish you could order shots online.
my shit smells like andre
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
