Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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