True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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