$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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