everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
