I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize