One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
